What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
