I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We named our party play list daddy issues
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
