nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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