I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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