So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
