the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
