So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
