I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
