My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
