Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i think i have two assholes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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