my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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