1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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