Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
