This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My balls are so social today.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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