i jhust puked up my retainher.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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