i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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