You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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