"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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