Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
