I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
