is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
