Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
