Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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