singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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