I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
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my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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