I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
