How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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