I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
