are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.