Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize