mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
