I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
