Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
