I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
