life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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