Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
