I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
