R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
