o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
