that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
