no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
