you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
