i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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