yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
