Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
