I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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