Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
