fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
