Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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