I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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