We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
