its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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