alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
