Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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