Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
