the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
