So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet