I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.