you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
