I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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