I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
