Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
