I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
